Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
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Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
god: you’re a pig
pig: huh
god: you’re filthy
pig: yeesh
god: you eat slop from a trough
pig: c’mon
god: you stink
pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?
god: here’s the thing
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire