* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

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The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?


My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home


Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.


The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.


I’ve never been put in the “friend” zone, but I have been put in the “please don’t tell my friend’s” zone.


Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!


The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.


“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.


HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*


Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”