@CulturedRuffian

* on a date snuggling *

Me: Did you enjoy dinner?

Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.

Me: Get your hands off my belly.

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@JohnHilsen

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?

@wendchymes

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

@MeganBaca1

Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.

@StephenAtHome

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

@JermHimselfish

I’ve never been put in the “friend” zone, but I have been put in the “please don’t tell my friend’s” zone.

@ThugRaccoons

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

@onume_

The girl next to me is texting her friend about how there’s an annoying guy looking at her phone, lemme show her which emojis to use.

@jennyjaffe

“Tender and mild” is a great way to describe chicken and a TERRIBLE way to describe a holy infant.

@Puercotron

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

@Lisabug74

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”