[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
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#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Acronyms got me like WTF?
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER