[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
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trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do
I just tested negative for patience.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.