(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
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I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Flowers bee like
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
uh oh
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
Boss: You’re late! On Friday, I made it clear that anyone arriving late would be fired
Me: Well I didn’t know! I ducked out early on Friday
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”