Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what
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DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”