[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
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While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
i now pronounce you bounced.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”