[On a date]
Him: I’m really into cars.
Me: [Trying to impress] oh yeah me too
Him: Oh nice! What’s your favorite kind?
Me: [Panicking] red
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Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Admin smashed it 😂
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch