me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
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my dog got a haircut and now it looks like he gave up drinking.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Imagine a drunk porcupine trying to sneak into bed without waking his porcupine wife but his porcupine wife put balloons everywhere.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
parents: you were such a smart kid what happened??!?
me: your child died and was replaced by a lookalike; a conspiracy theory thread
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.