[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
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YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.