My plans: 2020:
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
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the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.
Her: I need a living will.
Me: *wiping blood off knife* I’ve got a dead Steve. Close enough?
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My wife is all, “we love each other so much we finish each other’s sentences,” until it comes to a prison sentence.
Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”