[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.

ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.

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the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants


doctor: can you describe the pain?

me: i have a knife sticking into me

doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain

me: sharp

doctor: like a knife?

me: yes, exactly that

doctor: *proudly* its my first day


My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.


Your personality finally matches your looks. That’s not a compliment.


Her: I need a living will.

Me: *wiping blood off knife* I’ve got a dead Steve. Close enough?


Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.


My wife is all, “we love each other so much we finish each other’s sentences,” until it comes to a prison sentence.


Overheard in a restaurant. Grandma: “Oh, I could really go for a Quickie right about now!” Grandpa: “It’s pronounced a Quiche, dear!”