[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

You Might Also Like


Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.


If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.


I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.


Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”


He looks at her,
she undresses him with her eyes
His clothes fall
Whoa whoa. Are you a witch lady because that was creepy..


HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no


Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.


1. Talking cats
2. Real lightsabers
3. Cars that fire missiles

Genie: Put me back in the bottle and give me to someone normal.


GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.