@gojarbe

[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common

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@tigersgoroooar

Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.

@MarkTConard

If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.

@bazecraze

I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.

@Henry_3k

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

@ImaFlyontheWall

He looks at her,
she undresses him with her eyes
His clothes fall
Whoa whoa. Are you a witch lady because that was creepy..

@panmidwest

HER: so what do you do?

ME: i’m a mathemagician

HER: you mean a mathematician?

ME: [divides by zero] no

@TheBeerGuy_

Answer my phone? No thanks.

I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.

@Fickle_Filly

Me:
1. Talking cats
2. Real lightsabers
3. Cars that fire missiles

Genie: Put me back in the bottle and give me to someone normal.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.