[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
You Might Also Like
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them