One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious
[on a date]
Okay don’t let her know you’re a cat fanatic.
Her: Is that a live kitten on your shoulder?
Me: HE’S JUST A FRIEND.
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priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared
me: i think I misunderstood the assignment
wife: just read what you have honey
me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
the best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3am
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
[cats at shelter]
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.