@TheCatWhisprer

[on a date]
Okay don’t let her know you’re a cat fanatic.
Her: Is that a live kitten on your shoulder?
Me: HE’S JUST A FRIEND.

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@david8hughes

Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”

@COMETHRUGIRL

god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference

@ibid78

Kill me once, shame on me. Kill me twice, shaman you.

@LinajkReturns

Talking with a 17 year-old who is ‘living life with no regrets’ reminds me of that time I got in a shouting match with a trout.

@lilgapeach30

Girls. Don’t get upset if your twitter crush stars a really hot girl or even retweets her cause she is prolly really a dude. Stay calm.

@Bob_Janke

Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.

@zbinski

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

@thetigersez

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.