@TheCatWhisprer

[on a date]
Okay don’t let her know you’re a cat fanatic.
Her: Is that a live kitten on your shoulder?
Me: HE’S JUST A FRIEND.

You Might Also Like

@zachreinert03

One time I saw a duck get hit by a wonder bread truck and that’s pretty much why I try not to get too ambitious

@robots_feel

priest: you may now read the vows you have prepared

me: i think I misunderstood the assignment

wife: just read what you have honey

me: ok [deep breath] A E I O U

@ElleOhHell

AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses

ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something

@astralbr4t

the best way to contact me is to meet me in my dreams at 3am

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

@Lin_Baker

He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO

@DirtMcTurd

*Pulls up to drive-thru window*

“Extra toilet paper please”

Do you mean napkins?

“Sure, whatever”

@TheCatWhisprer

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”