(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
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[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Catercrombie & Fish
When you’ve simply given up.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
My favorite female superhero
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.