Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
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[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.