That’s it.I’m out.
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*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
taking June’s advice to heart
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long