@koalaslament

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

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@AndrewNadeau0

ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.

@InternetHippo

JESUS: I am the way, the truth, and the life

ME: This guy is definitely an only child

@Itskarleytime

It’s almost 2018 and laser eye surgery still doesn’t mean what I want it to

@LorieGZ

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

@OmarImranTweets

13 year old girls be like “I need a man who.. ”

Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.

@MrIceMachine

Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.

@MichaelTrying

The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*

@pinupteacher

[me on phone with mechanic]

Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.

@benharnett

I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.