ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
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ME: This guy is definitely an only child
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Then he turned to wrestling.
13 year old girls be like “I need a man who.. ”
Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.
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[me on phone with mechanic]
Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.
(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.