[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

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ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.


JESUS: I am the way, the truth, and the life

ME: This guy is definitely an only child


It’s almost 2018 and laser eye surgery still doesn’t mean what I want it to


My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.


13 year old girls be like “I need a man who.. ”

Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.


Happy imagery of the day: A mouse dressed as a pirate sits on your shoulder while you work and pretends to steer you holding a potato-chip.


The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*


[me on phone with mechanic]

Car won’t start. I think it’s the battery. Or power steering. Could be a fuse. Wheels, probably wheels. Engine.


I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.