[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
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All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
What’s this sorcery? 😂
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
sistine chapel
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
This a good idea
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.