On a dinner date in college, my girlfriend had a seizure. An ambulance ride later, I was outside a hospital pacing nervously and smoking when an elderly nurse saw me and said “aww, you gonna be a daddy?” 20 years later I still lack words to describe the level of panic that set in

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I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…


Me: What are you going to be for Halloween?

10yr old: Guess! I got an earpiece, mirrored glasses and a fedora.


10yr old: No, a spy! What’s a douchebag?


[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway


Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.


I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.


I’m on hold. My call is important to them.


word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom


School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free