where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
You Might Also Like
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.