On a dinner date in college, my girlfriend had a seizure. An ambulance ride later, I was outside a hospital pacing nervously and smoking when an elderly nurse saw me and said “aww, you gonna be a daddy?” 20 years later I still lack words to describe the level of panic that set in

You Might Also Like


I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.


How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters


7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?


Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”


As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.


I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.


In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”


“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…


Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.


Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava