@portmanteauface

On a dinner date in college, my girlfriend had a seizure. An ambulance ride later, I was outside a hospital pacing nervously and smoking when an elderly nurse saw me and said “aww, you gonna be a daddy?” 20 years later I still lack words to describe the level of panic that set in

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@Tmoney68

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

@dumbbeezie

How about a bird that ruins people’s lives

-God creating roosters

@AndyAsAdjective

7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?

ME: are…are you high right now?

@ixix82

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

@AmericanGent69

As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.

@Darlainky

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.

@StatusInBeirut

In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”

@Twitmytweeties

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

@noogscorner

Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.

@KevinBuffalo

Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay home

Tomorrow: ok, the floor is lava