@portmanteauface

On a dinner date in college, my girlfriend had a seizure. An ambulance ride later, I was outside a hospital pacing nervously and smoking when an elderly nurse saw me and said “aww, you gonna be a daddy?” 20 years later I still lack words to describe the level of panic that set in

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@Smooheed

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

@IjeomaOluo

Me: What are you going to be for Halloween?

10yr old: Guess! I got an earpiece, mirrored glasses and a fedora.

Me:….A…..douchebag??

10yr old: No, a spy! What’s a douchebag?

@gojarbe

[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway

@Robert_Beau

Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.

@Tmoney68

I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.

@mzeld

I’m on hold. My call is important to them.

@mrjohndarby

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

@a_man_named_JED

School says strangers are handing out lick on LSD tattoos. I told my kids not to worry, no one is giving out good shit like that for free