[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
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#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.