On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
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Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!