On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
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Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
I’m too immature for adultery.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza