@squirrel74wkgn

[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

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@OMGSoOverIt

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

@xLiserx

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

@FlashShumway

Shoutout out to maps. I don’t know where in the world I’d be without them

@Chhapiness

Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie

@kristendrum

the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn’t a bunch of dogs and gerbils

@radtoria

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

@TheToddWilliams

[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan

@pixelatedboat

You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products

@LoveBrittany

Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.

@ilikeyouguys

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check