[on a first date]

Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]

Me: *sets straw down* Sorry

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(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.


Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!


Shoutout out to maps. I don’t know where in the world I’d be without them


Schools: Children need consistency and routine

Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie


the cashier at Petsmart just told me I smell really good which would be a compliment if my competition wasn’t a bunch of dogs and gerbils


Friend: You’ll find love again.


[blind date]

HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?

ME: Absolu-

WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?

HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan

ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan


You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products


Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.


You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check