*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
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It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.