*on a first date*

Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret

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“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”


“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology


Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing


Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.


This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she’s using the other eye. Oh never mind. She’s falling asleep.


[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 44.’


When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.


That’s “MISTER your credit card is declined” thank you very much.


My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.