@thenatewolf

*on a first date*

Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret

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@MeetYourDaddy

WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!

“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”

@UnFitz

“No man is an island.”

– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology

@KevinFarzad

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

@adriennekhals

Worst day. Had a tampon behind my ear all afternoon and still cant find my cigarette.

@TheTalkingPipe

This beautiful woman is winking at me right now. Now she’s using the other eye. Oh never mind. She’s falling asleep.

@better_off_dad2

[at park, walking puppy]

Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’

Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 44.’

@arielleBigBlue

When a guy wearing shorts and sandals to a bar is picking out songs on the jukebox, it’s going to end badly for everyone.

@delusions_of

That’s “MISTER your credit card is declined” thank you very much.

@GrowlyGrego

My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.