[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
You Might Also Like
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??