My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
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I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Donating blood today to make room for more food
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Am I having a stroke?
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.