{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
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ANIMAL CROSSING: you pull out a fish you caught two minutes ago and everyone in town applauds you.
STARDEW VALLEY: you spend 19 days growing a carrot and give it to a woman who disdainfully says, “I don’t want this” yet still takes your carrot. The carrot costs 2,000 dollars.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.