@ShitJokes

On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”

I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”

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@moodtooth

I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.

@wickedsuga

You sneeze more than 5 times in a row and I’m gonna start performing an exorcism.

@redthe1

Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit “copy”

*hope

@bingowings14

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

@sulkingtime

midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potential

technology:

@ianpauldukes

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

@AdderallMomma

I’ll huff
I’ll puff
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.

-Big Broke Wolf

@maratesk

God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!

@yeaanotherchris

I wonder if anyone has ever tweeted about how much they love coffee in the morning?

@SadieSkyNinja

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.