Girls go to the bathroom together because that’s where we rap battle
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
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My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Tell someone you love them today because life is short. But SHOUT it at them in German because life is also terrifying and confusing
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.