[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
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Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I have a type: disappointing
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose