@ojedge

[on a plane]

Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”

Me: “Sure, can I have two?”

*puts one in each ear*

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@JDBooie

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.

@mstluvstrinkets

You Shook Me All Night Long is a great song that also describes what I do to my husband when he’s snoring.

@i_wasnt_looking

Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.

@girl_a_whirl

My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.

@Reverend_Scott

October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.

@3sunzzz

Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!

Me: ah, the irony

Friend: What?!

Me: What?

@juliussharpe

People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:11:”gingerfaced”;s:5:”image”;s:98:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/344513261568426631/e31fd3ca39dbd4f09de281d9a332a202_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”348116839743750144″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”58″;s:5:”tweet”;s:123:”*walks in with a bottle of aspirin, hands it to girl*

Her: I don’t have a headache.

Me: alright then, we can fool around.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}