[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
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My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
nobody:
TV writers: first of all, nobody can explain anything quickly or clearly to avoid a misunderstanding
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
So won’t Surreal Slim Shady please stand up, please stand dOwN, please RIDE A TRICYCLE THROUGH A DENTISTS WAITING ROOM DRESSED AS A PENGUIN
Hot hot hot 🥵
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.