On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean

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I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.


Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.


Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it


Congratulations, FB friend looking forward to an anniversary dinner tonight with your “sweatie”


“I’m a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he’s known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars.”


my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”


SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide

ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did


I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”