11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
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[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Eating an expensive steak is good and all but have you ever ordered wings at a classy restaurant, love the look on the waiter’s face.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?