I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
On a positive note, once Trump becomes president and burns the world to the ground, our student loan debt is essentially wiped clean
You Might Also Like
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Congratulations, FB friend looking forward to an anniversary dinner tonight with your “sweatie”
“I’m a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he’s known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars.”
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Brain: We got this!!
Body: Yeah, no we don’t