On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
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Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
thanksgiving should be called feaster
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.