[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*

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Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that’s not going to help, stupid. Think about it.


They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.


Just ran outside in a t shirt & panties to save a bird from my cat’s mouth. My kid thinks I’m a hero. My neighbor wants to have drinks later


So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.


Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.


Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is


[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*