@ohen39

[on a romantic dinner date]
girlfriend: *takes some of my fries*
me: *quietly puts engagement ring back into my pocket*

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@KenJennings

Hey suns wearing sunglasses: that’s not going to help, stupid. Think about it.

@drinksmcgee

They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.

@yoopnative

Just ran outside in a t shirt & panties to save a bird from my cat’s mouth. My kid thinks I’m a hero. My neighbor wants to have drinks later

@IndecisiveJones

So my wife doesn’t like the new body wash she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like kiwi apricot for the next four weeks.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

@Smooheed

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

@murrman5

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*