Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
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“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Saturday
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.