30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
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Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
*using intercom*
WHAT DO YOU MEAN THERE’S NO POTLUCK?!funeral director- shh this is a funeral!!
*using intercom*
I whisper – “what do you mean there’s no potluck?”
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.