On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.

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A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”


Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.


Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.


Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.


First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…


My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.


Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Pineapple upside down cake


I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today


The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.


I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.