@Midgetspar

On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.

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@RdrJay47

A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”

@Sassafrantz

Every Thanksgiving I say my boyfriend broke up with me so my family lets me overeat without shame.

@TheAlexNevil

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

@ajvaage

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

@pittdave13

First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…

@Darlainky

My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.

@70Ceeks

Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake

@TYLER_CMC

I saw some ducks practicing their teenage girl faces down by the pond today

@mela_shea

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

@patnspankme

I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.