My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
You Might Also Like
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.