[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?
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“open up, this is the police!”
“well, I’ve felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I’m sad all the time-”
“no the door open up the door”
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Alcoholism is a wonderful way to turn today’s problems into tomorrow’s even bigger problems.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
My mom always says “Alcohol is your enemy!”
Jesus says, “Thou shalt love thy enemy.”