On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?

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[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]

*makes a girl laugh*

me: can you do my taxes


“open up, this is the police!”
“well, I’ve felt alone since my girlfriend left me, I’m sad all the time-”
“no the door open up the door”


ME: I dreamed about you last night

PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir


Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.


If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder


Alcoholism is a wonderful way to turn today’s problems into tomorrow’s even bigger problems.


“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-sounds wealthy


No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.


My mom always says “Alcohol is your enemy!”

Jesus says, “Thou shalt love thy enemy.”