On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
You Might Also Like
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”