Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
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The moderator needs a spray bottle. Each time someone interrupts, they could just be like: “NO! BAD PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE! BAD!! *spray*
I want a bouncy house at my funeral. And I want to be in it, too. When all my friends jump, my lifeless body will bounce with them. What fun
11: Did it rain last night?
11: But it’s so wet!
Me: That’s what she said.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol.
The other night they dropped me 3x while carrying me to the car!
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
Him: Honey, I wrecked the car.
Me: Omg! Did you pick up the food first?
why are we mad at Beyonce for cultural appropriation when we could be mad that she made us listen to a Coldplay song?