[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
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The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
happy mother’s day❤️
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
This 4th of July, please remember…