@Donnie_Fairburn

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

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@jonnysun

dumbledore: our enchanted ceiling shows us wat the sky outside looks like
mcgonagall: so…a magic glass ceiling
dumbledore: [starts sweating]

@AshFrieds

There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil

@gitson_shiggles

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

@envydatropic

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

@marebytes

I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”

@danjan13

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

@ClassADude

Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.

@lmegordon

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

@clarkekant

It would make more sense to put a teacher in every gun shop.