[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

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dumbledore: our enchanted ceiling shows us wat the sky outside looks like
mcgonagall: so…a magic glass ceiling
dumbledore: [starts sweating]


There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil


Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.


The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now


I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”


Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.


Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.


My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.


It would make more sense to put a teacher in every gun shop.