MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
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Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Signs that your wife is cheating on you:
1. Wearing more makeup and perfume than usual
2. Acting distant
3. Sleeping with another dude
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.