[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
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him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
U talkin 2 me?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself