At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
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me: *getting down on one knee*
my gf: omg i can’t believe it’s finally happening
me: *tightening my velcro strap* what
Went to Costco for paper towels and bought the Cleveland Browns and a helicopter.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]
Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
Me: Do a puzzle?
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else