[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

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My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.


Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.


Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*


AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series


I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me.


me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us

ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?

me: oh no

2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant

3rd ghost: pleasant

4th ghost: pleasant

5th ghost: pleasant


Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.


the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”


Woman: The bees are dying.

random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.