@ShortSleeveSuit

[on an airplane]

Me: Is the pilot any good?

Flight attendant: One of the best

Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?

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@Merman_Melville

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

@16bitbulbasaur

me: *getting down on one knee*

my gf: omg i can’t believe it’s finally happening

me: *tightening my velcro strap* what

@CelebrityChez

Went to Costco for paper towels and bought the Cleveland Browns and a helicopter.

@jellybnbonanza

I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!

@metickleu

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

@BoomBoomBetty

[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]

Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area

Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds

Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist

@Ameiam

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

@mattvbrady

im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…

@HomeWithPeanut

Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?

3:

Me: Do a puzzle?

3:

Me: Paint?

3:

Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.

3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]

@chuuew

TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?

STUDENT: dammit I’m mad

TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else