My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
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Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
AMERICAN SNIPER is, without a doubt, the most violent entry in the AMERICAN PIE series
I always carry cake, just in case someone pulls a knife on me.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Woman: The bees are dying.
random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.