How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
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Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
[at the zoo]
HER: look at that leopard
ME: beautiful
HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?
ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope