[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
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Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.