On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
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apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
😂😂😂😂😂😂
*picks up rotary phone*
Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)Murderer: Lol
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting