WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
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Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them