On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
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Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
wtf is an acronym
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
A Japanese man has been arrested after reportedly dating more than 35 women at the same time in order to get birthday gifts from all of them
He gave each woman a different date for his birthday, ensuring a constant stream of gifts through the year.
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Grandmother clock.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape