“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
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I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
“Here’s the lyric: Take On Me.”
“What about Take Me On?”
[4 hrs of arguing later]
“Ok we’ll say both. Now let’s get perms.”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
The Olympics are my favorite 3 week event where I get to harshly judge people way better than me.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.