On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
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The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I laughed at this way too hard.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
humans only use 10% of their treadmills