On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

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I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.


I don’t know why Russia is so homophobic. Most of the women there look like men anyway.


People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.


morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?



I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.


Me: I’m ghosting him.

Her: You stopped talking to him?

Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.


How is it when my son has homework,I have to be involved??

Dude,I already did my time.


Fun Fact:

The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.