On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
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[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Police: Cover me
Rookie: ok [pulls out guitar] Every little thing she does is magic