On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

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Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.


What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?


man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single


Me: *gets in from fishing trip*

Girlfriend: did you catch anything?

Me: *sighs* just an old boot

Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?


EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]


Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.


Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……

E – I – E – I – O…..


Life tip: If you’re curious if you’ve gotten fat, have a kid draw your picture.


Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.