Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
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What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
man: you’re beautiful
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Dream home requirements: 1.) a secret passage behind a bookcase 2.) the thing that will kill me lives just beyond the tree line.
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Life tip: If you’re curious if you’ve gotten fat, have a kid draw your picture.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.