On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

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Me: I love you, too…umm…

[Wife says her name]

Me: See? After all these years we’re still finishing each other’s sentences.


I’m confused, why does the Gangnam Style guy want to launch a nuclear attack on the US?


Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.


[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]


*Indian sending smoke signals* Buffalo… Coming… *other Indian replies* New… Fire… Who… Dis?


well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”


Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.


Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”