When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
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I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
*leads horse to water*
“You’re not gonna drink, are you?”
*horse neighs*
“It’s The Fountain of Eternal Youth.”
Horse: You’re not foaling me.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.