On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
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Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*