*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
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Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Was it something I said?
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.