[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
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*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
I’d … I’d rather not.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
black phone good
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Venn
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?