*on crowded bus*
*everyone mumbles different things*
*everyone mumbles different days, times*

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GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems


[I uppercut a news guy in his stupid face on live television]

Me: say it

Anchor: t-t-tune in tomorrow for more hard hitting journalism


retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?


*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.


please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan


INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: [Removes mask to reveal that he was actually the interviewer the whole time]


18 is TOO young to get married!

You can’t even buy booze at 18!

If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?


I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.


I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…